Dirty Minded
by Yggdrasil'sRoots
Summary: Steve is definitely not a prude. Neither is Darcy. They are both actually quite dirty minded. And they like proving it.
1. Bruce

This is another fic written rather late at night. I seem to be making a habit of it.

Disclaimer: I only own my idea

Contrary to popular opinion, Steve is not a prude. Not even a little bit.

The people who know him now seem to fixate on the fact that he lived in the 1940's and ignore the part of his life where he was a soldier. Even back then, soldiers were rude, dirty minded, and mischievous. Many a night passed when he raucously prowled bars for women with his fellow men, especially Bucky and especially post serum.

He was quite the ladies man.

So when Pepper censors herself because she fears offending his 'delicate sensibilities', he gets a bit annoyed. He doesn't tell her, because his mother raised him to be a gentleman. But he sulks a bit, in his room that night.

But then Bruce does it as well. And he wonders, when did the Hulk become afraid of a man out of time?

Slowly, he becomes more irate with the amount of people that alter their language or choice of topic around him. The only people that don't pull their punches, both figuratively and literally, are Natasha and Clint. So he spends most of his spare time with them.

At the moment, they are sparring in the gym. Clint is tag teaming Natasha with Steve, and she is still winning.

"You are one powerful dame Nat." He tells her, grinning, as he picks his bruised ass up off the floor. She smirks, kicks Clint in the chest and agrees, cleaning her nails with a knife, a habit he used to find disturbing, but now amuses him. It scares the shit out of the junior agents and he gets a kick out of it. They aren't scared of him, just awestruck.

Suddenly, the door to the gym is flung open and a busty, panting brunette barrels in, slamming the door behind her and locking it.

"Hey Darce." Steve greets her.

"Don't tell Jane I'm in here! She threw three poptarts at me this morning, and just tried to throw one of Tony's gloves when I asked her if she wanted lunch!"

Clint frowns.

"One of the ones from his suit?" The girl nods. Clint winces.

"Damn, girl. Did she miss?"

"Me." Steve frowns, confused.

"Who'd she hit instead?" Natasha asks, still fiddling with her knife. Darcy chuckles, smirks, and steps further into the room. Ah. Doctor Foster hit someone else.

"Tony." Clint and Natasha high five, Natasha throws the knife at a target and hits it dead on, and then both do a victory dance. They then perch on the edge of the boxing ring. Leaning forward eagerly, they gleefully await the rest of the story.

"Well, I asked her if she wanted soup or more poptarts, and she muttered something about astronomical aphids and threw the glove. Except I ducked, and it hit Tony in the ear. He was out cold for a good few minutes I would imagine." Darcy giggled and slouched against the door.

Steve snickered, images of an unconscious Tony floating through his mind.

"You mean you didn't see?" Natasha sounded disappointed and Darcy threw her head back and laughed loudly.

"Nah, I high tailed it out of there. Ever had an angry, forgetful astrophysicist throw a technologically advanced, metal glove at your face? It ain't fun, that's for sure."

"Any idea why she was so pissed?" Clint puzzled for a minute.

Steve answered for him.

"Probably 'cos she isn't getting any at the moment, Thor had to go back to Asgard yesterday."

They all spluttered for a bit, making various jokes about "alien dicks" and "I'm surprised Jane can walk, Thor isn't shy at bath time" and one from Steve that had them all in hysterics, "I wonder if it's green?", to which Darcy replied, "No, that's Bruce!"

The man in question wandered in from another door at that moment, sending them off into another round of full on silent laughter.

Darcy wheezed, trying to catch her breath for the joke she had in mind.

"Hey, Doc green." Clint is on the floor now, and Natasha isn't much better.

But to Bruce, it is Steve that is the surprise. He is lying on the floor, tears streaming down his face, kicking his legs weakly and clutching his ribs.

Bruce gestures, opens his mouth, stops, put the pieces together, and grins ruefully. A wicked glint enters his eyes, and leaves them with a parting gift.

"Did you know that everything turns green?" He announces casually, and swans out of the room.

They are lost.


	2. Pepper

I can only apologise for this.

Disclaimer: I, shockingly, still own nothing but my idea.

This time, it is Pepper who is surprised. Steve and Darcy are curled up on the sofa in the living room watching a movie. They are exchanging dirty remarks and blatantly ogling the characters.

"Guys?" Pepper is seriously shocked. Steve turns around and sighs.

"Balls." Darcy mutters under her breath and turns around too. Pepper appears to be more shocked than Bruce was, and she definitely isn't getting over it as fast.

Steve grins and makes another lewd remark, staring expectantly at Pepper, who opens her mouth to reply, then closes it. This happens a few more times, with Darcy having increasingly worse hysterics on the couch.

It is only when she falls off that the two snap from their stand off.

"Darce?" Steve checks Darcy over gently, running his hands through her hair and checking for bumps.

"Ow." she mumbles, and sits up. Wiggling her eyebrows at Steve, she tells him, "Bet you were only doing that to grope me."

Steve smiles wickedly and grasps her breasts firmly in his large hands. "I am now."

Darcy groans and pushes him away, pouting as he cackles.

"C'mon doll, you know that was practically giving me permission!" He helps her up and they settle back on the couch, glancing at Pepper, who appears to have figured out that Steve is a little bit of a creeper.

She smiles, and says, "Tony would kill me if I gave you permission, but any time you feel the urge, I probably won't stop you." She saunters out of the room grinning, and makes a mental note not to censor herself around Steve any more.

Darcy falls off the sofa again.

So does Steve, this time.


	3. Fury

This is for my first reviewer for this story, Queen of Night, who suggested Fury for Steve's next shocker.

Disclaimer: I only own my idea. Still.

The next time Steve shocks someone with his pervertedness, it is on purpose. After a half drunken evening with Darcy(Thor brought them asgardian liquor, and oh boy is that fun), they hatch a plan to educate the director about Steve's true nature.

"_I hate it Darce." Steve complains, head in her lap, bottle of beer dangling loosely from his fingers._

"_No-one realises that all the stuff about sex and swearing and everything doesn't actually bother me. In fact it's quite the opposite." _

_Darcy hums in agreement, taking a swig from the vodka bottle, and tangling her fingers in his hair. It is exactly three months since they got their asses in gear and started dating, and they are happy. Very happy._

_Especially when Darcy has his cock in her mouth._

_But that's a story for another time._

"_Oh! I know! We should show Fury that you aren't a blushing virgin." Steve tilts his head to look at his girl, who is grinning wickedly._

"_He isn't exactly the type to raise a brow because he hears me swearing, D__oll__."_

"_It'll need to be epic." Darcy nods to herself and continues. __A sinister grin spreads across her face._

"_I have an idea."_

So here they are, in Fury's office, fucking when they know he's on the way back from his nine am meeting.

They are enjoying themselves, and not just because Steve's cock stretches Darcy in just the right way.

"Move my ten o'clock, Jillian." They hear Fury speaking to his personal assistant, and a shiver of excitement works its way through Steve's body. He experimentally thrusts into Darcy, swallowing her moan until exactly the right time for their boss to hear it.

The door opens. Fury stops dead.

"Hello, sir." Steve says conversationally.

Fury is standing in the doorway, frozen.

"Holy mother of God." Fury swears. Opens his mouth, closes it again.

Steve thrusts into Darcy again, and she moans.

Loudly.

Fury turns tail and flees just as Darcy comes, sighing happily and pulling him into a kiss.

Steve continues to thrust, prolonging her orgasm, and reaching his own. Grunting, he pulls out, and the clean up, and re-arrange their clothing.

They exit Fury's office, wave cheerily at Jillian, and make their way to the Starbucks across the street, planning on refuelling on caffeine and sugar before finding someone else to scar for life.

On their way back, they pass Fury in the corridor.

He actually blushes.


	4. Tony

Queen of Night has really gotten me in to writing this story.

Disclaimer: Oh what ho, is that ownership of the idea I see? What a shock! Yes it is! Is there anything else I posses ownership of? Not even a little bit!

Tony is pretty unflappable. He's walked in on them screwing too many times to be healthy(they actually think he does it on purpose), and the time they invited him to join in he just smiled and told them Pepper would castrate him if he tries.

So there is conniving. Planning. Sneaking.

And they've come up with something.

Darcy is a pretty nifty programmer. So they appropriate Dummy(read- steal) and attach a dildo.

Now, you would think that the plan would be for Tony to catch Darcy mid sexytime with their new toy, but you would be wrong. That isn't enough. They are all in.

The next day finds Steve balls deep in Darcy and with a dildo embedded in his ass, in Tony's lab.

Just for good measure, Darcy is wearing a ball gag and her hands and tied to Tony's desk.

They are right in the middle of going at it for the fourth time(that serum did wonders for Steve's stamina) and Tony walks in. Humming, and focused on some new gadget he is tweaking, he wanders over to the desk and starts typing on his computer.

He really should pay more attention. He barely misses Steve's come from round two.

"Mmf." Says Darcy.

Tony looks up.

He faints dead away.

Steve and Darcy can barely stop laughing as they come.

Steve removes the dildo from his ass, unties Darcy, and naked as they day they were born, they skip away, giggling.

The skipping causes some interesting bouncing which leads to wall sex, which leads to three unconscious scientists, and four or five blushing junior agents.

All in all, a good day.

They see Tony at dinner, and he blushes tomato red and scuttles away, muttering something about going down to the lab. They bite their lips, and wait for the inevitable visit to medical.

They left the dildo in Tony's lab.


	5. Thor and Jane

Three chapters in one night! I'm steaming ahead with this one.

Disclaimer: still own nothing but my idea.

They manage to get Thor and Jane at the same time. Mainly because they use the gym for the same thing sometimes, and on this particular occasion, purposely plan it when they see the couple glance at each other shiftily and try(try because Thor is massive and couldn't sneak if the saving of the world required it, which someday it might, because who knows, their lives probably could do with some more universe juice to fuck things up) to leave the room without anyone noticing.

They know that look.

So they follow them, wait until they are preoccupied(or when Thor is face first in Jane's pussy) and merrily stroll in.

"Nice ass, Thor." Darcy catcalls.

"Damn. Work it, buddy." Steve joins in and damn if the shocked look on the couples faces aren't the most fun they've had in ages. Since they freaked Tony out last month, in fact. Since then they've mostly stuck to junior agents and interns. They scream the loudest.

The effect is rather ruined by the fact that Jane's juices are dribbling down the god's chin.

Steve has never seen anyone bolt as fast as those two did.

They leave the gym, and head for the cafeteria, discussing who they can target next, and Steve thinks they should go for Maria, but Darcy thinks The Council. Thor and Jane bump into them, and blush so red that Darcy feels tempted to ask them if they need to visit medical.

Thor is nudged by Jane, who is trying to hide behind her boyfriend.

"We apologise, Captain and Lady Darcy. There was no excuse for subjecting you to that." Thor grimaces and backs away, when Steve calls out a reply.

"No need to apologise just because we had the same idea, Thor." He turns to wink at Darcy.

"Besides, we enjoyed it. You both have great asses!"

Twin fainting.

Cool.


	6. Maria and the Council

HIAL HIDDLES. THAT IS ALL.

Disclaimer: my idea, nowt else.(ENGLISH)

When Steve and Darcy started this, they didn't expect to find it so fun. But they did, do they aren't stopping any time soon.

Now that Fury has been...educated, they decide to tackle his second in command.

"Maria Hill." Darcy is standing in the kitchen of Steve's apartment, arms crossed, doing her best to impersonate Maria.

"She's so stoic, it'll need to be something special."

Steve and Darcy regard each other over the table.

"Girl's night!"

Maria, Jane, Natasha, and Darcy are all at a bar. Pepper is at home forcing Tony to clean the melted microwave off of the roof.

They are all impressively drunk.

Even Natasha.

"So, Maria, what is your ultimate turnoff?" Natasha slurs. Darcy enlisted her.

Maria goes cross eyed as she thinks. She giggles, and then falls off the chair.

"Like, cross dressing. Guys wearing panties and stuff." Maria wrinkles her nose and belches. She then falls backwards and lands in the lap of an equally sloshed Jane. They both struggle to their feet, and promptly fall over again.

Darcy grins.

Two days later, Steve's bright scarlet lace thong has arrived, via express mail, and Darcy has bought matching nipple tassels for good measure.

They go over the plan to be sure.

Half an hour later, they stand in front of a blushing Maria and a chuckling council member.

"I believe you match the good Captain's panties, Agent Hill." Darcy forces out, before she and Steve double over laughing.

The councilman veritably cackles.


	7. Hulk

I LIKE TO THINK THIS IS GOING WELL.

Disclaimer: I own my idea. That is all.

Steve and Darcy freeze mid sixty nine.

A green mass of muscle and fury is sitting with his hand over his face.

Turns out the Hulk is surprisingly vanilla.

They unattach themselves, dress and wander over to the green man.

"ASS MAN EAT PRETTY GIRL." He blurts out. Darcy and Steve snort in unison.

"No, Hulk, I'm not eating her. I'm making her feel good." Steve explains. Hulk scowls.

"HULK NOT LET ASS MAN EAT PRETTY GIRL." He roars, and slams a big fist into the ground.

Darcy decides this is an appropriate moment to but in.

"Hey big guy." She takes a step forward. "I'm ok, see?" She does a slow turn so he can see. "Steve wasn't hurting me."

"BUT, WHAT HE DOING THEN?" He scrunches up his face adorably.

Oh gods. They were about to have the birds and bees talk with a big green rage monster. Could their lives get any weirder?

"Well, it's called sex, Hulk. Two people who like each other do it. It makes them feel good, and sometimes, it makes the lady pregnant. With a baby." Steve explains, wondering how he got here.

"PRETTY GIRL PREGNANT?"

"No, sweetie, I'm not pregnant." Darcy slips her hand into Steve's. "And it isn't always a man and a woman. Sometimes it's two ladies, or two men. But babies don't happen for them. Only for a lady and a man."

"OH." Hulk bends right down until his face is right next to Steve's. "BE NICE TO PRETTY GIRL. OR HULK RIP ASS MAN'S FACE OFF." With that, the Hulk got up and ambled off.

The Hulk just gave Steve the protective big brother speech. Wow.


	8. Loki

Well, it's been a few days. Struck down with agonising pain. You don't want the deets, trust me.

Disclaimer: Unsurprisingly, I still own my idea, and only my idea.

Steve and Darcy watched with glee as Thor tackled his younger brother in the lobby of Stark Tower. Loki yelped as the large, muscled, blonde man leapt onto him.

"Get off, Thor!" Thor clambered sheepishly off of his brother. Loki brushed himself off and they embraced properly this time.

Newly reformed and freed from Thanos's control, Loki had offered his aid to the Avengers as a way to repay them, and Earth. S.H.I.E.L.D had jumped at the chance.

"Wanna go say hi?" Darcy muttered in his ear. He dropped a kiss onto the top of her head.

Steve grinned wickedly and shook his head.

"We should welcome him in a more...spectacular...way. He is, after all, a god."

They made eye contact and simultaneously evil smirks spread across their faces. They scampered off to plan.

They spent a week waiting for Darcy's new purchase to arrive. And to give Loki time to settle in, of course.

No one ever expects it.

Loki stared, agog.

Captain America was spread across his bed. In nothing but his boots. Steve grinned as Loki struggled to compute the image before him. He grinned even more as Darcy pranced out from the bathroom in an emerald green bra and panties set, thigh high black stockings adorned with tiny green bows and matching stiletto heels.

She took a seductive step toward the stunned God, swaying her hips enticingly and twisting her red painted lips into a coy smile. Taking Loki by the hands, she tugged him gently onto the bed, and proceeded to kiss him with much enthusiasm. Steve ran his hands gently across Darcy's shoulders and then onto the confused god.

Loki moaned into her mouth as she did something with her tongue.

Steve was kissing Loki's neck on one side, as Darcy unbuttoned his shirt, when they sprang into action. Steve snapped cuffs around Loki's wrists and Darcy pulled away from him completely.

Taking advantage of the momentary stillness of the God of Lies, Steve hauled him to the head of the bed and tied him swiftly to the headboard.

Then, he peeled Darcy out of her lingerie and proceeded to fuck her into the carpet multiple times, with Loki watching, as they both reached their peaks.

Then, they just upped and left.

Loki called after them.

"What about me?!"

Steve just grinned and said, "You're a god. Help yourself."

He blew a kiss to the bound God, stained mouth red with Darcy's lipstick.

When they passed him in the hallway later on, he didn't make eye contact. He kept his eyes firmly directed at the floor, until he thought Steve wasn't looking. Then he glanced longingly at Steve's ass.

As he turned the corner, Steve heard a crash and a squeak.

Looking back, he saw Loki entangled in a broken vase, struggling to free himself.

Score.


	9. Clint and Natasha

I decide I couldn't stop until I had the full set.

Disclaimer: Oh for god's sake. I haven't said this enough? I OWN MY IDEA. THAT IS ALL. DAMNIT.

Lying in bed one night, Steve voiced his idea.

"I just, I really want the full set Darce. And I know this will be the hardest but I really want to try."

Darcy swung a leg over his hip, and pulled herself onto his lap.

"I like the way you think, Captain." She lowered her head to kiss him. "So, what should we do?"

They enlisted Loki to help. The God's natural affinity for pranking had set the three up to be firm friends, and once he had recovered from the shock of it, Loki had found his little experience thoroughly amusing.

He did want to cash in on trying again sometime though. So did Steve.

They caught Clint and Natasha as they came back from a sparring session in the gym. They knew the route the assassins usually took back to their room, and set up their preparations in the long corridor on the way.

Loki was hidden around a corner, focusing on using his magic.

When Clint and Natasha rounded the corridor, they both shrieked. Loudly.

They had been greeted with many copies of Steve and Darcy, all in various positions, and with various add-ons. Here there was a threesome with Thor, there an orgy with Hill, Fury and Tony, of all people.

Some couples were employing toys in their quest for pleasure. Clint and Natasha groaned in horror as three couples reached climax simultaneously.

"If you tell us which couple is the real one, we will let you past!" A scantily clad Jane yelled up the corridor.

The spies regarded each other, and discussed it quickly and quietly. Nodding confidently, they pointed at a solo Steve and Darcy couple, against the wall.

Who promptly dissolved.

The spies pointed at different collections of people, each of which promptly vanished.

When they reached the real Steve and Darcy, Clint fainted clean away, eyes rolling back into his head. Natasha grabbed him under the armpits and dragged him out of sight. Once the pair turned the corner, a rapid string of russian was bellowed out, mixed with varying exclamations of horror and shock in English.

"What?"

Bruce shrugged his shoulders and went back to blowing Steve.

_If you guys wants anyone else 'educated' in this fic, please let me know, otherwise I don't have anyone else to add in._


	10. Coulson

Rightyo. Thanks to everyone who reviewed, and suggested characters. I shall endeavour to add these in to your satisfaction!

Disclaimer: You know the drill.

(For the purpose of this fic, Coulson survived the stabbing from Loki's phallic spear of doom)

Steve almost felt bad when Darcy suggested they try Coulson next. The man was clearly idolising him, even if he put on a professional façade when on comms and in the office.

But Steve did regularly pretend he couldn't see Coulson checking him out.

Darcy cajoled and pleaded and begged, and when Steve caved, they ended up have celebratory sex on the dining room table.

It wasn't their fault Tony was taking his new interns on a tour of the tower.

Or that these interns were easily embarrassed.

Really, the sheer volume of interns and junior agents they shocked into unconsciousness was getting ridiculous.

They were getting off topic.

"_He's so unflappable, Steve. The only time I've even seen him falter is when you decided to go for a quick jaunt in your old uniform from the war. Damn it."_

_Darcy lay in his lap as he carded his fingers through her tousled locks, spreading them over his legs and smoothing them out. He raised an eyebrow and waited for her to come to the same conclusion that he had reached._

_He saw the exact moment it hit her. She sat bolt upright, gasped, then clapped her hands merrily._

"_He's going to be so freaked out!" She squeaked._

_He had grinned, and tugged her back down, though _**not**_ to play with her hair._

Now they were waiting in Coulson's quarters, and Steve was decked out in full military dress, medals, cap and all. His boots were shined so well he could see his own reflection in them. Darcy was lounging next to him on Coulson's bed, clad in Captain America lingerie. She was drawing patterns lazily onto his shield with her finger and humming softly to herself. She didn't look up when Coulson entered, a curious expression evident on his face.

He liked making Coulson shocked. He was so stoic the rest of the time that it was nice to see a bit of emotion on his face.

And right now the emotion was guilty lust.

Yay.

Steve removed his cap and set it gently on the bed. Darcy absently picked it up and plopped it at a jaunty angle atop her dark curls. Still humming, she carried on tracing lines on his shield.

Coulson swallowed. Hard.

Steve unbuttoned his jacket, and shrugged it off before draping it carefully over Coulson's chair, before continuing on to his shirt and dress slacks, toeing off his boots as he did so. He folded them neatly and placed them on the seat of the chair. Some habits were hard to break after all.

Coulson seemed to like it.

He stood in front of the man who had watched him whilst he was in his weird icicle coma, in only his Captain America boxers(he still couldn't believe people actually made these things) and moved so he was inches away from the suited man.

"Captain?" Coulson asked uncertainly.

Darcy stopped humming and climbed gracefully from the bed, nearly reaching Steve's shoulder in her custom made Captain America stilettos, which were red, blue and white, with shields instead of bows on them, and carefully loosened Coulson's tie, undoing his top button as she went. Steve occupied himself with divesting Coulson of his suit jacket, and Darcy slipped her arms into it, and ran her hands through his hair, messing it up.

"You know, this is the first time I've seen your hair anything less than perfect." Darcy said conversationally.

Coulson smiled drily.

"I do have a life outside of S.H.I.E.L.D, you know. I don't always look like this."

Steve ran his hands down his chest and busied himself unbuttoning the dress shirt the agent was wearing.

"Shame."

He then tossed it behind him, not particularly caring where it fell.

"W-w-what? I thought, I-I..." He trailed off as Darcy attached her lips to his neck, sucking and biting.

"You thought what, P_hil_?" Steve spoke for the first time. "That we were playing? That we would leave once we had our fill?"

"We're taking this all the way, bossman." Darcy whispered in Coulson's ear, and then nibbled gently on his earlobe, tugging slightly.

Coulson whimpered.

So Steve captured his lips in a hard kiss, entangling their fingers, and Darcy deftly removed Coulson's pants. Both men were hard and leaking, and they ground against each other, panting.

Coulson pulled back, gasping for breath.

Then he kissed Darcy deeply, biting her lip gently and winding her arms around his neck, after taking the jacket off her.

Well. That was new. No one had ever managed to shock them back before.

Steve thinks he likes it.

Darcy certainly does, judging by the sounds she is making.

Steve rejoins the fray, unhooking Darcy's bra. He massages her breasts, which he knows from past experience that she likes. Then he drops to his knees and slides her underwear down her legs, leaving her in nothing but his hat and her heels.

And the tattoo at the curve of her hip, but very few people know about that.

Then he dips his tongue into her, flicking it expertly and sucking gently at her clit. She gasps into Phil's mouth, and he wonders briefly when Coulson became Phil to him, then discards the thought and focuses on making her fall apart with his tongue. When she is close to her edge, he pulls back, smirks as she flicks his ear and switches to Phil. The man groans deep in the back of his throat, and thrusts shallowly into his mouth. Resting his hands on Steve's shoulders, he swears.

"Fuck, Steve, you feel so fucking good."

The man in question raises his eyebrows in surprise, but doesn't stop pressing his tongue against the underside of Phil's cock.

"You like sucking my cock, huh? You like the taste? Like the feel of cum in your mouth?"

Darcy has moved onto Steve's earlobe, taking it between her lips and sucking, mimicking what he is doing with his mouth.

She stops long enough to say, "Didn't figure you for dirty talk, bossman." Returning to his task with vigour, Steve grinned victoriously as he felt Coulson jerk in his mouth, and swallowed everything he had.

He hadn't taken more than a breath, when Coulson was face first in Darcy's pussy, and she was gasping and coming faster than he had ever seen.

Mind you, he had left her right on the brink.

When she had recovered adequately, she sucked Steve off.

Exhausted, they all collapsed onto Phil's bed.

"You should feel honoured bossman. You're the first one we've actually fucked." Darcy tipped the hat at Coulson(how was she even still wearing that?) and smirked.

"Hate to nit-pick, little dove, but you haven't technically fucked me." Phil narrowed his eyes at Darcy, who smirked and elbowed Steve. He knew exactly what she meant.

"Yet." He whispered. Then he pounced.

'Yet' no longer applies.

_**So, this took a bit of a different turn from how I imagines it. Mind you, Coulson is probably badass enough to turn it on them. Or turn them on.**_

_**I'll stop it now.**_


	11. Eric Selvig

Erm. The last one was a lot longer than the rest and **I DON'T KNOW WHY HELP.**

Disclaimer: I refer you to my last disclaimer.

_I am so sorry for this._

Eric Selvig was much easier than the others. Comparatively speaking, he was much softer, and so they only had to fuck in front of him, he'd be on the floor, and they would have another victory under their metaphorical belts.

Or so they thought.

Eric had taken one amused look at them entwined on the floor of his lab and the blushing astrophysicist in the corner(they thought Jane was on her lunch break) and told them "nice moves", before mixing two smelly chemicals in a beaker and feeding the resultant liquid to an unfortunate mouse, which promptly grew three times its regular size, and chased the four of them around the lab before Jane threw her shoe at it, stunning it momentarily so a still very naked Steve could break it's thickset neck.

That did _not_ go well. At all.

They tried everything.

Just Steve. Just Darcy. Inviting him to join in. Steve and Bruce(who had showed surprising eagerness to join them), foursomes, them and Tony, using toys, bondage, everything they could think of.

And then it struck them.

They had a secret weapon.

So they recruited said weapon and fucked him on the lab surface when they knew Selvig would walk in.

What they didn't expect was Eric to grab a death ray he had been building and try to disintegrate their 'lab partner', screaming about 'bloody hypnotising aliens'.

Loki shrieked, and vanished, presumably to rant to Fury about alien killing weaponry being pointed at him again, leaving two naked, panicked, remorseful people to explain themselves.

Fury was going to kill them if Eric ran for it.

They managed to calm him down eventually, hiding their nakedness with lab coats, though only because the sight of another man's cock seemed to freak him out even more, and he couldn't stop looking at Darcy's boobs.

It took _them _half an hour to calm him down enough to seduce him into turning the death ray off.

It took _him_ three weeks to look them in the eye.


	12. Fantastic Four

Someone suggested other superheroes, and while I don't see them as part of the avengers at all, I think it could be fun.

Disclaimer: I refer to my previous referral. It sounds like I've been naughty at school, doesn't it?

Sorry not sorry.

When Steve and Darcy heard that the Fantastic Four were visiting S.H.I.E.L.D headquarters, they knew immediately who their next targets were.

"You realise the hardest is going to be Johnny Storm, right?" Steve told Darcy.

"Yeah, shock-wise and physically." She snorted into her vodka. "The man's an animal. Screwed half the girls in New York. I turned him down last week."

Steve frowned and made a mental note to talk to Storm about making a move on his girl.

"So, what are we going to do?" Darcy continued, oblivious to his jealousy.

"Not sure yet. Maybe we can enlist Clint. And Loki, because he seems to enjoy it as much as we do."

Darcy gulped down the rest of her drink, and sprang up.

"Let's go now."

Steve hauled himself off the couch and they wandered over to Loki's room first, because the knew he would say yes. The God did as expected, and then they searched for Clint.

To no avail.

When they finally found him, it was because Darcy had threatened to repeat his 'education' and he dropped out of an air vent over their heads.

"How the hell do _you_ fit in an air vent?"

Clint smirked.

"I'm flexible."

"So am I." Darcy shot back without missing a beat.

Clint went bright red.

"So, anyway, we need help with our next...lesson." Steve said.

"No, no no no!"

Clint cringed and walked away from them.

Or he tried.

Steve grabbed him by the back of his regulation vest and dragged him back.

"Oi! Let me go or I'll sic Tasha on you!" He yelped.

She promptly appeared.

"I am not a guard dog, Clinton." She prowled towards him, and leaned in to whisper in his ear. His eyes went wide and he obviously liked what he heard because he stopped struggling to get away from Steve and turned to look at them.

"We will both help." Natasha told them, grinning like a shark. "What do you need us to do?"

Half an hour later, they stood proudly in front of four tied up superheroes, an irate Fury, and a cackling Maria.

"I can't believe...you-you gave the Fantastic Four...lap dances!" She choked out between laughs.

Darcy smirked, a blushing Sue Storm trapped between her legs, which were clad in thigh high blue translucent stockings, with matching lingerie.

Reed Richards was equally embarrassed where he sat between Clint's legs, and Ben Grimm rumbled his distaste from between Steve's legs.

Both men were in their boxers and nothing else.

Natasha was mostly collapsed where she had been manning the stereo.

"I have never seen anyone give a lap dance to Batman. How is Prince a sexy artist, anyhow?" Fury muttered to himself.

"I just want to know how they actually managed to get me hard." Johnny scowled.


	13. Wolverine and Rogue

I am unhealthily invested in this fic.

Disclaimer: Same as usual. Idea is mine, characters are not.

Erm. I have nothing to say about any of this.

Two months after they had tied up the Fantastic Four and danced on them, Steve and Darcy were called to Professor Xavier's school for gifted children to speak to the Wolverine about temping for the Avengers.

Upon arrival, they were greeted by a silver haired woman who introduced herself as Storm. She ushered them into a well furnished office. It was homely and had a roaring fire, to combat the winter weather outside. Steve and Darcy unbuttoned their coats and waited. Storm left after a while, stating that "He'll be back soon, he's out on his bike", and soon they began to get bored.

So they started having sex, obviously.

What? They had healthy libidos.

Except that was when life decided to fuck with them, and have the Wolverine turn up.

With his girlfriend in tow.

Steve and Darcy unhurriedly redressed and straightened themselves up. It's not like they minded much about being caught. So many people had now that it wasn't so much of a culture shock any more.

The girl peered out from behind the glowering, tall man, cheeks tinged slightly pink.

"Hi." She said. She had two blonde streaks in her dark hair.

They replied in kind.

The man glared over her shoulder at them.

"Do you always fuck when you get bored?" He asked roughly.

"Logan!" The girl had a slight southern accent. "I'm so sorry about him, he gets so cranky when the professor makes him put his bike away." She held out her hand.

"I'm Rogue. Nice to meet you both."

They both shook her hand, and then Logan's when Rogue nudged him.

"So why did y'all come all the way up here in the middle of winter?" Rogue seemed to have followed a thought that Logan had as well and he grunted as if to reinforce the question.

"S.H.I.E.L.D would like me to talk to you about helping us out on occasion." Steve said cautiously.

He was right to be wary. Logan immediately scowled.

"No, wait!" Steve barked. "Hear us out." Logan had stood, Rogue catching his sleeve in her gloved hand. He sighed heavily and stopped.

Darcy butted in.

"Isn't it kinda boring being around kids 24/7?" She asked curiously. "I mean, no offence, but you don't seem like the affectionate type. You seem like an asshole." She stared at him until he answered.

Logan laughed deeply.

"I like you." He said bluntly. "You got spunk."

Rogue smiled as her boyfriend engaged in conversation properly. Searching through the professor's desk, she made a small triumphant noise as she pulled a phone from a drawer.

"Here. Call the number in this phone and it'll connect you directly to Logan's earpiece. Only time he takes it out is...well, y'all can probably guess."

"Dude. I thought you had that power. The one that takes someone's power? How the hell can the pair of you screw?"

Logan laughed. He had a rich, deep laugh, that Steve likened to whiskey or chocolate in his head.

"Oh darlin', I really like you!" He chuckled again. "We don't really advertise this but...can I?" He directed this at the woman next to him. She nodded sombrely. "She doesn't have her power any more."

"What?!" Steve and Darcy both exclaimed.

"Well, I kind of do." Rogue explained, in her molasses sweet voice. "We had the professor put a mental block up in my head. All I have to do to take it down is imagine it, if I need to use my power. But I don't usually. I like being able to touch people without killing them, you know." She grinned up at Logan.

Darcy smiled at the couple.

"That is awesome."

"Yeah it is. We tend to pretend she does, though, so people don't get weird." Logan grumbled in the back of his throat, presumably at the thought of anyone being weird to his girl.

She kissed him quickly.

"That phone also has the link to my earpiece, and if needed I can link us in with the rest of the team." She had made the switch back to business so fast Steve thought he had whiplash.

They stood, and shook hands. Then Darcy muttered something unintelligible, and pulled Rogue into a hug. The small woman tentatively brought her hands up to rest on her back, like she wasn't used to touching yet. The released each other, and then Darcy wrapped her arms around Logan as well. He huffed in surprise and gathered up into a massive bear hug.

"Aw, you're just a big softie, aren't ya?" Darcy mumbled.

"Don't tell anyone. Ruin my rep, darlin'." He set her down gently, and shook Steve's hand firmly.

"Thank you very much, Sir." He said.

"Oh heck, call me Logan, you big ice cube." Rogue, barely reaching halfway up his upper arm, smiled and gently pulled him down so she could slide her arms around his neck. When he straightened up, her feet left the floor completely. She swung them a little, searching for solid ground. He sniggered, and put her back down. The four of them waved.

"Thanks, both of you."

They left, and meandered out to the quinjet.

"See you guys soon, okay? Meet us for lunch or something." Darcy wasn't saying please.

Looks like they've made new friends.

_**This turned out way different than I imagined, way more friendship orientated and fluffy. Sorry.**_


	14. Cyclops

_**So someone asked for Cyclops. Here y'are.**_

_**Disclaimer: You know the drill, I don't own anything but my idea.**_

It had been a few months since their visit to the X-men, and Steve and Darcy had called on them two times to help with various alien invasions. Once from thousands of foot high, neon pink beings, with complicated weaponry that shot live somethings(the scientists at S.H.I.E.L.D still weren't quite sure what they were, but they did know that on impact they burst and coated an enemy in acid) that called themselves the Quintaar, and another from huge bipeds, that looked vaguely like an amalgamation of different dinosaurs, that didn't speak english but communicated through ominous sounding clicks.

They knew the team pretty well, especially since Logan and Rogue came over every few weeks for lunch and a beer.

So purely on the merit of his own extreme annoying personality, Steve and Darcy had decided that Cyclops needed to be taught a lesson.

Because he was getting ridiculous.

So they invited Jean over for dinner, and got her rip-roaringly drunk. She spilled all kinds of secrets.

They made to sure to make good use of this.

First, they enlisted a now sober Jean to tie Scott up(one of his many kinks) and proceeded to spent the next twelve hours fucking each other in front of him in as many different positions as they could contort themselves into(his biggest turn off was voyeurism).

When he started begging three hours in, they knew they had him.

Five hours in, he had switched to insulting their technique, but soon left off as Darcy came so hard she actually passed out.

The next few hours were spent yelling for Jean to come and get him.

To no avail.

When they were sure he was good and mentally scarred, they gave each other one final dirty, sloppy, wet kiss and sauntered out, buck ass nude, waving to Jean and Logan, who were shaking their heads bemusedly outside the door.

"He's all yours, Jeanie." Logan said, chuckling, and wandering off to find Rogue.

She entered the room and laughed at the way Scott strained against the ropes she had trapped him in.

"Let me out, Jean, please." He begged.

She shrugged.

"Might do."

Steve and Darcy never did find out how long she left him in the ropes for.


	15. Spiderman

_**This is for the Toby Maguire Spiderman, because all I picture when I try and write this scene for the Amazing Spiderman is Andrew Garfield smiling like a dork and trying to join in.**_

_**Disclaimer: I still own my idea and not a lot else.**_

Steve met Spiderman in the midst of fighting humanoid, blue people, who fought with their claws and teeth, and claimed they were from Pluto.

He honestly doesn't think his life can get any weirder at this point.

So when Spiderman swings down from the rooftop, he just sighs, and asks him what he wants.

"I want to help." Steve is a bit surprised at the raspy, slightly higher than normal voice that emits from under the mask, but shrugs it off in favour of telling the masked man that he'll call Fury and see.

"Fury. I am in an alley with Spiderman, and he wants to help." Fury sighs.

"Bring him in. Warn him that he will have to take his mask off."

Steve did so, and then called for a S.H.I.E.L.D car to take him and Spiderman back to base.

They rode in silence, and Steve showed him up to Fury's office, tagging various members of the team along the way. The masked man was still silent, and Steve, although tempted to make conversation, refrained.

Sticking his head into Darcy's office, the one she had received when she became the Avenger's handler, he pursed his lips and whistled at her. She swung around in her hair, and a broad grin spread across her face.

"Steve!" She hopped up and went to hug him, until he jerked his head in the direction of Spiderman, who was messing with a stapler on a random agent's desk, back turned.

Darcy went into business mode almost immediately, and greeted him in a professional tone.

"Mr. Spiderman?" He turned to look.

"If you'd like to come this way?"

The trio piled into the elevator, already full of the team, and Darcy pressed the button for the conference room. Steve had already called ahead and explained that Fury's office was too small for all of them.

They had the meeting, Spiderman revealed himself as a geeky young man named Peter Parker, and then Steve and Darcy showed him to the floor Tony had given him.

Then they struck.

Sometimes they didn't have to talk about who they were targeting, they just knew.

This was one of those times.

Half an hour later, and unconscious Spiderman was laid carefully on his new bed, and Steve and Darcy snuck out with their clothes piled in their arms.

Who knew Spiderman would faint?

It was just a naked lapdance.


End file.
